Surrogate Parenting Service (SPS) encourages intended parents going through California surrogacy to have a positive relationship with their surrogate because they believe it is essential to success and to the overall health of the child. The kind relationship you wish to establish is totally dependent on the intended parent’s expectations, so SPS will work diligently to make sure your preferences are met by finding an ideal surrogate. Surrogates are screened and evaluated with directives to be honest about their expectation for the relationship, as well. Any inconsistencies and secrecy are detrimental to building a safe, open relationship for the best possible environment.
So, right from the beginning, it is important to be assured and truthful about what you want. Options can vary from a more personal, close working relationship with open communication – regular updates via email, texts, phone calls or weekly Skype messages – to a relationship that’s more “business like.” If you are for the latter, SPS will be doing most of the communicating between you and your gestational surrogate, keeping you informed of the latest medical updates. This is to allow you the option of attending any doctor’s appointments or medical checkups.(remove….we don’t encourage this type of relationship at all…IPs must be in contact with their GC throughout the process)
If you are an intended parent who desires a close relationship, one of the best ways to make it positive and stress-free is to be diligent in following through with appointments, phone calls, and visits to the doctors. This builds feelings of respect and loyalty, whereas couples that continually cancel or reschedule or frequently forget appointments, may leave one party feeling disregarded. It is also important to remember that surrogacy is a financially and emotionally draining commitment, making it important to constantly renew each other through acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. This could entail simple but meaningful things like going out for a meal and a chat after a doctor’s appointment, gifts for a birthday or sending over a meal.
Another great way to build a strong relationship in your California surrogacy is to include the surrogate, and her family, in social events such as a baby shower. There could be no higher compliment to a surrogate than real acceptance into one’s own family. After all, surrogates enjoy the attention that comes from this life-altering choice, as anyone would.
Regardless of the level of involvement you wish to have with your surrogate over the early part of the pregnancy, it is important to increase communication before the child’s birth. If you talk to your surrogate and create a plan that deals with the events, seen and unforeseen, it ensures that everyone’s expectations are the same on delivery day. Some things you might bring up might be what the surrogate’s wishes are for the delivery, and if a tour of the hospital is important to her (we always do a tour). Other talking points could include asking her if she is comfortable with you in the delivery room; if she is willing to pump breast milk; and, perhaps most importantly, how you both will proceed with the relationship after the baby is born? We use the psychologist at the end of the pregnancy to help both parties communicate about their expectations for the delivery…maybe you can include that somehow.
The decision to keep a surrogate in your life is completely your choice, but we believe it is important to stay connected even after the baby is born. The contact in this stage of your California surrogacy would probably vary, but ordinarily intended parents and their surrogates develop strong ties naturally. That is why it’s also important for an intended parent and surrogate to have an open discussion on post-birth, in order to eliminate confusion and the potential for disappointment in expectations.
If you do not feel comfortable generating any of these conversation on your own, program coordinators at California Surrogate Parenting Services will be there to help initiate and moderate communication.