We are going to be honest: choosing the perfect surrogate can be an emotional, challenging process. People are very complicated so it can be tricky to pick the right person. Having a baby via surrogacy has its ups and downs, but when you go through it with the right surrogate, it can be one of the most magical experiences of your life. The first step to ensuring that your process is as good as it can be is to ask the right questions to the surrogacy agency or the surrogate mother.
If you are struggling to come up with questions to either put on your forms or during face to face meetings, we have compiled a list of questions that have really helped intended parents find the right surrogate in the past.
Why Do You Want To Be A Surrogate?
It is essential to know what the surrogate mother’s motivations are to be a surrogate. Is she only doing it for the money or is there a deeper, more empathetic reason? Often, the people who are just doing it for the money are weeded out by the agencies themselves, but sometimes a few people will slip through the cracks.
You want to find out about her story without sound too invasive – so this question can be a great start.
How Were Your Other Pregnancies?
Since one necessary qualification to be a surrogate is that you need to have carried a pregnancy successfully before now, you may want to ask about previous pregnancies and if they were healthy. Ask her questions about morning sickness, bed rest, cravings, or anything else that you think may be important. Not only will this help you to make a decision, but it will also help you to empathize with the potential surrogate AND get an idea of what a pregnancy with her could be like.
If going through a surrogacy agency, your surrogate should be healthy and ready to carry a pregnancy, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t have some of the typical concerns that all pregnancies have from time to time.
How Do You Want to Handle Medical Appointments?
Medical appointments are plentiful throughout the surrogacy process, so you want to figure out how your surrogate will handle them – and if that is okay with you. Everything from the first ultrasounds to finding out the sex of your child to being in the delivery room needs to be discussed.
You need to find a surrogate mother who is comfortable with how much you want to be involved in the pregnancy and those appointments. In most cases, the mother won’t care that you want to be there – in fact, she will be happy that you are. Still, it is essential that you come to an agreement and you let her know that you respect her privacy.
Being inside the delivery room is probably the most significant conversation you may have – she might not want you there in the exact moment she gives birth.
What Kind of Relationship Do You Want To Have With Our Family?
How often do you want to talk to your surrogate? How do you want to chat? If you live near your surrogate, would she be willing to meet up just so you can talk, or would she prefer it be over Skype?
What happens after your surrogate gives birth? Does the relationship end or does she want updates about your child?
Sometimes, surrogacy can form strong bonds between your family and theirs – other times, the relationship isn’t as strong. You will want to talk about this so that you know that you are all on the same page. Remember that you want to respect her rights if she says she does not want contact after birth, but you have a choice as to the extent of the relationship as well.
What Happens If There Are Complications?
This is indeed a tough thing to talk about, but it is a necessary conversation. What happens if something goes wrong? You have to talk about big things – miscarriages, abortions, and medical complications.
Would You Carry Twins (Or More)?
Having multiple births is a possibility in any pregnancy, including one initiated via the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) process. Ask the surrogate if she would be okay with carrying both babies or whether she would undergo selective reduction to keep one of them.
Remember that multiple births come with more risks concerning the mother and the babies, so it is something to consider.
These are just a few of the questions you want to ask your potential surrogate. Ready to get started in picking the best surrogate for your family? Contact SPS for help today.